“We’ve gotten so good at the future that we’ve lost our ability to be happy and fulfilled in the present,” he continues. And being fully present is the foundation of long-lasting, successful relationships—familial, platonic, and romantic. Below, Lieberman offers his tips to better manage your dopamine and, in turn, save your relationships: “We’ve got to come out of dopamine [and] into the here and now to enjoy the things that we have,” he explains. “We’ve gone too far with always trying to make the future better, and we need to spend a little bit more time in the present moment. And that’s what mindfulness is all about. Mindfulness is the precise opposite of dopamine—it’s being in the here and now.” Mindfulness doesn’t have one set definition: There are plenty of things you can do to stay mindful and present (meditation, stretching, deep breathing, etc.), but if you don’t know where to start, perhaps begin a mindfulness journal. Here are some prompts to get you into a mindful head space. There are ways to use technology mindfully, sure, but according to Lieberman, it’s important for us to recognize the limitations of technology when it comes to true, honest connection. “Science and technology have seduced us into the mistaken notion that they can provide everything that we need. And that’s absolutely not true because what we really need has nothing to do with science and technology,” he says. “What we really need are things like friendship, love, meaning, and art. What we need are magic moments in life when we feel that we are living at, at the top of our existence. And these magic moments don’t come from new big-screen TVs. They don’t come from the latest cellphone. They come out of the blue when we least expect it, and suddenly we realize what it feels like to be alive.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. “That’s not a recipe for happiness,” adds Lieberman. See, passionate love doesn’t exactly fade. It just transforms into something else: companionate love. “It’s not a dopaminergic thrill of excitement and anticipation,” says Lieberman. “It’s more of a here-and-now phenomenon of fulfillment, satisfaction, and contentment. It’s just that deep feeling of being happy and content with someone whose life is intertwined with your own, and you know that they’ve always got your back. And in some ways, that’s a more enjoyable kind of love than the [intensity] of passionate love.” Understanding how passionate love shifts over time is crucial for a healthy, successful relationship; on the flip side, always chasing the dopamine that comes with passionate love won’t result in true companionship.
