If you’re here, you may be feeling like it’s time to check yourself. So, we asked the experts what manipulation can look like, manipulative behaviors to watch out for, and of course, how you can work to stop being manipulative. According to therapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, everyone can be manipulative from time to time, sometimes without even realizing it. “We are all human, and all of us manipulate because it’s a human defense mechanism,” he says. There are so many behaviors that can be considered manipulative, with varying degrees of severity. The key is, you’re being manipulative if you want something from someone and feel you have to finesse it out of them rather than just expressing what it is you’re thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing. Manipulation stems from not being able to take responsibility for your own feelings and handle them in a mature way, Page says. “If you think you’re being manipulative, you probably are,” he adds. Manipulation is in many ways a defense mechanism, Page says. “The more you’ve had trauma, the harder it is to face that trauma, to work with that trauma, and to not self-abandon, and not to go into PTSD responses.” For certain personality types—such as sociopaths and narcissists—manipulation is simply part of the package, Page adds, but generally, there is a spectrum, and in most cases, the more trauma, the more potential a person has to take a manipulative turn for the worst. A therapist can help you with this, which both Barham and Page recommend. If you’re in a relationship, Page notes, couples’ therapy is also a good idea. And be sure to “talk to your therapist about why you feel you’re not deserving of people to show up for you,” Barham adds. Because patterns of manipulation become habitual, it can be very difficult to rewire that circuitry—but not impossible. Barham suggests being frank with the people you’re closest with and asking them to (nicely) say something if they catch you manipulating. She also adds that a big part of the work will be accepting that you can’t always get what you want. Be mindful of your interactions with people, Barham adds, and ask questions like, What is it I’m trying to achieve here? and, Am I being direct about it? This mantra from Page says it best: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”
