Maybe you simply suspect your new partner or fresh Tinder honey might be emotionally unavailable. Here’s what you need to know about how to spot an emotionally unavailable person. Licensed psychotherapist Pam Shaffer, MFT, adds that being emotionally unavailable often reflects a lack of emotional depth. “It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, but it may mean that you are using your emotional bandwidth to cope with your own feelings or circumstances, so you don’t have enough to necessarily tune into another person,” she explains. According to Sprowl, the term “emotionally unavailable” is essentially born from meme culture and has been popularized in the last decade or so, so you won’t find it in any diagnostic psychology manual. It’s a phrase that has further found its footing due to “hookup culture” and dating app popularity. Someone who doesn’t want to share anything truly impactful about themselves is rarely someone who wants to have a serious relationship. The “primary drive is independence, and their greatest fear is engulfment—in other words, losing themselves in another person or being subsumed. They seek space and solitude to regulate their anxiety, especially during conflicts,” she says. It’s possible to date with an avoidant attachment style, but it likely means there are some insecurities that need healing. RELATED: One-Sided Relationships: 24 Signs, Causes & Ways To Fix It “If we don’t learn the lessons our unhealthy relationships are revealing to us, our damaging patterns will keep repeating over and over again with the same and different partners,” Sprowl says. We need to use these emotionally unavailable relationships, whether culprit or victim, to expand our emotional repertoire. Experiences with emotional unavailability are not the problem; they are tools to reveal the true problems you need to work on in your life. Once we do that, we can begin to grow. As Sprowl explains, using relationships as a way to expand ourselves helps us to “develop a road map for how to change the damaging patterns in our lives and [be] empowered to take ownership of our own healing.” Engle’s work has appeared in many publications, including SELF, Elle, Glamour, Women’s Health, Refinery29, and many others, and her articles have been shared over 50 million times, with her top posts reaching over 150 million shares. She also writes a popular advice column called Ask Gigi, and her first book, All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life, debuts in January 2020. She has a degree in both English and journalism from Fordham University College at Lincoln Center. Engle is an original member of The Women of Sex Tech and a certified member the World Association of Sex Coaches.
