That said, if you’re just beginning to notice some signs and need a quick gut check, we’ve put together a simple narcissist test that’ll tell you if your partner or someone else you know may be displaying some narcissistic tendencies, as well as a guide to understanding the clinical diagnosis and how to proceed if all signs point to yes, this person is a narcissist. “A pathological narcissist will demonstrate self-centeredness in all aspects of their life, which ultimately leads to destructive behaviors in their relationships,” licensed therapist Alyssa Mancao, LCSW, previously wrote for mbg. “With narcissistic personality disorder, these behaviors are pervasive, severe, and are evident in that person’s history of social and emotional relationships. They strive to be the center of attention and are ongoingly mean to others at the expense of someone else’s feelings.” To tell if someone’s a narcissist, she says, look for someone who fully believes they are better than everyone else, expects special treatment from others, and consistently ignores the needs and feelings of others in the pursuit of their own interests. This test is for educational purposes only and not intended to be used for diagnostic purposes. For a NPD diagnosis, a person must see a licensed mental health professional. This narcissist test will help you identify narcissistic tendencies in someone you know. Answer the following questions with one specific person in mind. This test is for educational purposes only and cannot be used to diagnose any individual with any condition or disorder. Based on your responses, this person appears to have a high number of narcissistic tendencies. These may include an inflated sense of self, expecting admiration and special treatment from others, preoccupation with status and excellence, and a lack of empathy, among other behaviors. While only a clinician can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you may want to consider how you want to approach your relationship with this person considering the various narcissistic traits they seem to display around you. Read on for expert advice on possible next steps. Note: This result is based on your personal observations about this person, and therefore it may be biased by your own opinions and perspective. It may not be an accurate description of their personality. This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used to diagnose anyone. Based on your responses, this person appears to have at least some narcissistic tendencies, though they don’t appear to be holistic or pervasive across this person’s entire personality. Narcissistic tendencies may include an inflated sense of self, expecting admiration and special treatment from others, preoccupation with status and excellence, and a lack of empathy, among other behaviors. While only a clinician can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you may want to consider how you want to approach your relationship with this person considering the various narcissistic traits they seem to display around you. Read on for expert advice on possible next steps. Note: This result is based on your personal observations about this person, and therefore it may be biased by your own opinions and perspective. It may not be an accurate description of their personality. This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used to diagnose anyone. Based on your responses, this person appears to display little to no narcissistic tendencies. They’re generally grounded in reality when it comes to how they see themselves, how they see others, and how they expect to be treated by others. Note: This result is based on your personal observations about this person, and therefore it may be biased by your own opinions and perspective. It may not be an accurate description of their personality. This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used to diagnose anyone. Here’s an example: You could have a person who is generally kind and considerate, but they also happen to think extremely highly of their own physical appearance and believe they should be admired by others in a way that’s a bit excessive. Such a person might perhaps have high levels of a sense of grandiosity—one narcissistic trait—but not a ton of other narcissistic behaviors, such as demeaning others, lacking empathy, or acting entitled to special treatment in their day-to-day life. You could theoretically describe aspects of this person’s behavior as “narcissistic,” but that doesn’t mean they have NPD. “What separates healthy narcissism, people who have narcissistic traits, and people with narcissistic personality disorder (pathological narcissists) are the frequency, intensity, and impairment in their relationships, as well as the insight and awareness of how their behaviors affect others,” says Mancao. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., we all naturally engage in some narcissistic behaviors from time to time. “True narcissism, however, is a different matter altogether,” she previously wrote at mbg. “A person with narcissistic personality disorder is at the opposite end of the healthy narcissism spectrum. Their thought processes and behaviors are dramatically ‘me-oriented.’ Others’ needs are generally unimportant or a mere afterthought.” Typically, the clinician will talk to a person over the course of one or more sessions to understand their long-term patterns of thinking, behavior, and interactions with others. They may also have you take a questionnaire or personality test to gather further insights about your way of moving through the world. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed when a patient exhibits five or more of the following criteria: For example, a 2014 study3 demonstrated the validity of a one-question narcissist test. The one question? On a scale from 1-11, to what extent do you agree with the statement, “I am a narcissist”? They also included a quick definition for the test-takers: The word “narcissist” means egotistical, self-focused, and vain. Yes, it’s really that simple. Another test backed by research is the so-called narcissist eyebrow test. A 2018 study found that people could accurately tell who was a narcissist based on their eyebrows—with more distinctive eyebrows being the clue. That isn’t to say that all bushy-browed people are narcissists (especially given the fact that bushy brows are a popular beauty trend right now), but the study did show that people can pretty accurately tell who is a narcissist just based on physical features. Other narcissist “tests” are not at all scientifically validated, such as the so-called narcissist smile test, which claims that you can tell if someone is a narcissist based on how they react if you smile, look them in the eye, and tell them “no” in response to something they ask of you. Someone who becomes enraged or dramatically upset is said to be a narcissist, but there’s no research behind this test. That said, according to psychology and relationship expert Margaret Paul, Ph.D., it is possible to make a relationship with a narcissist work in certain situations. “There’s a lot of nuance and differentiation among narcissists,” she previously wrote at mbg. “Some narcissists are worse than others; some are simply annoying but tolerable, while others’ selfishness and self-importance manifest as outright cruelty toward the people around them.” So, what you’ll need to determine is whether or not it’s safe to engage with this particular narcissist. Look out for any signs of abuse, including yelling and cruel language directed at you, controlling behavior, attempts to isolate you from your loved ones, and general feelings of fear, tension, and unease in the relationship. “Your well-being should never be put at risk,” says Manly. “If the situation is negatively affecting you or your well-being, put yourself out of harm’s way by creating distance and getting the support you deserve. And if you ever feel unsafe in your relationship, it’s important to leave immediately and reach out for help, whether from loved ones or from trained advocates.” (See the bottom of this article for organizations you can reach out to if you need support.) Depending on your relationship with this person, you may be able to have an open conversation with this person about what’s been upsetting you and determine an action plan together on how to interact in a way that feels better for both of you. If needed, you may also gently suggest they seek out support from a mental health professional to work on healing some of their more harmful behaviors. A partner or parent who you’re close with might be more amenable to suggestions like this than a colleague at work, of course, so proceed thoughtfully. Paul says that any relationship with a narcissist can only work in one of two ways: Either the narcissistic partner must be proactive about changing, or you need to fully accept that nothing will ever change and actually be OK with that. “Narcissists generally refuse to acknowledge their own flaws and see everyone else but themselves as the real problem,” she adds. “If this is the case, then you either need to 100% accept that nothing is going to change—that you get what you see—or you need to leave the relationship.” “Set clear and consistent boundaries around personal accountability,” Manly recommends. “For example, if the narcissist ‘forgets’ to honor your birthday, you might say, ‘I feel very disrespected and unloved when you don’t remember my birthday. Let’s go out tonight for a belated birthday dinner and do a bit of gift shopping. In the future, I’d feel cherished if you’d plan for my birthday in advance.’” There are also other, less direct ways of setting boundaries. For example, when the narcissist is doing something harmful or attempting to get a rise out of you, you might simply choose to disengage, become unresponsive, or ignore them completely. This is known as the “grey rock method.” By not giving them a reaction, you’re depriving them of the attention they’re craving, and they’ll eventually get the picture that they can no longer treat you that way and expect you to play along. “If someone is trying to be dominant or controlling, the grey rock method is a very effective practice in shutting people down, holding your own boundaries, and maintaining your own control,” somatic psychologist and licensed therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, previously told mbg. And of course, boundaries could also mean cutting off contact with this person and refusing to interact with them at all, period. It will involve staying curious and compassionate about why the narcissist is the way they are (spoiler alert: it’s almost always because, deep down, they are desperately insecure), choosing your battles with them carefully, and embracing a sense of humor about their often childish antics, she says. And as Paul adds, it’ll also involve seeking out other sources of care and learning to take care of yourself extremely well—because you won’t get that from the narcissist in your life. If you’re up to it, though, there are ways to make this relationship work. Here’s Manly’s full guide to lovingly tolerating a narcissist. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website or text START to 88788. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
