The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek origins and translates to “many or more than one,” and amor, which is Latin and means “love.” Together, the word refers to having many loves. Even though the word itself hasn’t been around for that long, polyamory has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes. “Of course, there are many ways people can structure what their relationships look like, and so there can be many types and structures of polyamory,” she tells mbg. Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: being married to many people rather than one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures have only allowed for one man marrying many women. Women have rarely had the freedom to marry several men or to have relationships with anyone other than their husband. “Polygamy tends to operate as an oppressive double-standard, often for the purpose of producing many children,” she says. “Polyamory, on the other hand, may involve any number of people and a mix of genders, each of whom may or may not be married to anyone.” Here are a few ways polyamory might look: But while the words primary and secondary have been used for a long time to indicate more hierarchical relationships, many people now find these “oppressive,” Dolinova says. Some people instead (or additionally) use the term nesting partners to refer to partners that share a home or living space. “Some polyamorous people would like for marriage freedoms to be extended so that groups of three or four or more could share the rights and benefits conferred by the legal institution of marriage. Groups who are raising children together would especially benefit from this,” she explains. “There can certainly be high social consequences for polyamorous people, though, ranging from not being recognized as a family by a workplace to having children taken away. So, while it’s not illegal per se, it does still exist in a kind of social gray area.” Like any other relationship structure, polyamory can become toxic when there is “dishonesty, unhealthy power dynamics, consistently overstepping boundaries, disregarding others’ feelings and agreements, choosing to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons,” says Menezes. Toxic polyamory can be avoided by knowing your limits. “A good rule of thumb to remember is that while love is limitless, time and energy are not. It’s important to know what your limits are in terms of how much you can give to each of your partners,” Dolinova says. “It’s also very important to watch out for one person ‘doing polyamory’ while not telling their other partners about it. The word polyamory has often been used as a shield for what monogamous culture calls ‘cheating.’ Remember: If it isn’t open and honest, it isn’t polyamory.” “Those people that are truly happy in both polyamorous and monogamous relations are called ‘ambiamorous.’ Ambiamory is not as discussed but might be worth consideration for more people,” she explains. “Polyamorous relationships require the same cultivation of friendship and intimacy as a monogamous relationship, and the desire to become monogamous can happen. But those who have spent years exploring and enjoying polyamory might find monogamy to be a poor fit over time.” “Being upfront and honest from the beginning is respectful, can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and ensures no one is wasting their time and energy,” she explains. “Most people in the polyamorous community are adept at communicating their boundaries, limits, and expectations, and that should include a brief, thoughtful way to communicate with potential new partners.” Explaining your desire for a polyamorous relationship to a current partner you’re in a monogamous relationship with can be a little more difficult. Asking this person to move away from the familiarity they know in order to make room for others can be tough, but it’s not an impossible task. The biggest rule here, according to Dolinova, is being honest without being brutal. She encourages you to find the words to express your wants, fears, and hopes without hurting your partner’s feelings in the process. “One of the cardinal rules: Don’t try to open your relationship when things aren’t going well. It will definitely not fix it, and, in fact, will undoubtedly make things worse. The time to look at exploring polyamory when you’re in a monogamous relationship is when your relationship is healthy, strong, and exciting, and you both want to know what it would be like to have even more love in your lives,” she adds. But what happens if your partner isn’t open to accepting your desire for a polyamorous relationship and they are hurt? “Anecdotally speaking, it’s really hard to come back from it when one partner expresses a desire to go outside a monogamous relationship and the other person is really hurt by it,” Dolinova tells mbg. Though not impossible, she says the desire for polyamory doesn’t typically fade if it’s a sincere desire for a relationship style. That’s because the desire for polyamory isn’t necessarily about just wanting more lovers; it’s often about wanting the freedom to explore loving relationships with multiple people. That said, sometimes people believe they want polyamory when what’s actually happening is that they’re dissatisfied with their current relationship and are looking to have their needs met elsewhere. In such cases, opening up this conversation may open dialogue about how to make satisfying changes within your monogamous union. Open communication and honesty are absolute cornerstones for any healthy relationship, but even more so when it comes to the vulnerability and sharing that polyamory requires. You don’t want to be the person who ends up breaking multiple hearts because you decided to enter a new relationship with someone before communicating your desire for polyamory to your long-term monogamous partner.
