It short-circuits the vicious cycle between overthinking, feeling crappy, and then doing things that will cause an emotional hangover. It’s also a great way to feel creative again and nourish myself. That is the self-care that works for me. Self-soothing, however, does not help us move forward or remedy the situation. Or, it may lead to an emotional, physical, or financial hangover. Just as with overdrinking alcohol, any escape behavior can be used in excess, from shopping to eating to sex. This can also look like entertaining our anxious thoughts or talking excessively about our problems, believing it’ll make us feel better—when ultimately we’re lost in ruminating, analysis paralysis, and living in the apocalypse. Self-care, in contrast, is about finding meaning in life and doing things that support our growth. To understand the difference between self-care and self-soothing, psychologist Jonathan Marshall, Ph.D., likens it to the Tibetan Buddhist ideas of self-compassion and self-cherishing. To him, self-compassion is being aware of one’s current conditions and wanting to make things better; this is the root of self-care. However, self-cherishing is “when you take it one step further, and you make yourself precious and separate from others, for instance by saying, ‘I deserve that $30,000 handbag even if it means I’m busting my account.’” Put simply, self-cherishing (or self-soothing) runs the risk of being egocentric and myopic, because “if you intend well for yourself or someone else, you don’t do something that’s going to bankrupt you.” Another complains, “I’m so sick of whatever the corporate wellness program tells me to do. It’s another thing on my to-do list, and I feel even more overstretched!” The problem is, any kind of self-care that is blindly copied runs the risk of making you feel worse. In the Instagram age, it’s easy to believe that a gorgeous Instagrammable bubble bath or a trendy unicorn latte may be the solution. But self-care goes deeper than that. For starters, you actually have to enjoy taking bubble baths or drinking the latte. It has to align with you. For an introvert, it could be tending to their plants; for an extrovert, it could be hanging out with a group of friends. Experimenting and finding solutions that align with your lifestyle, personality, and goals is key. If your self-care method happens to be Instagrammable—and you’re an avid Instagrammer—great. If not, no biggie. Any retreat has to be considered in terms of what I call the “And then what?” question. Sure, you could lose weight, learn to meditate, or eat healthfully for a week because you are in a situation that facilitates that. We have to have a strategy to make sure that these gains and new habits actually integrate into real life. Otherwise, it’s just the cycle of burnout, escaping to retreats, and coming back to reality to wait for the next burnout to happen. And therefore, self-care isn’t always glamorous. It’s about ensuring that our laundry is done, the toilet is clean, and our bellies are nourished. It’s about being in control of our finances, taking care of our health and minds, and being a part of the community. It’s also about owning our inner demons—anxieties, traumas, and insecurities. Or more accurately, what we call “adulting”—skills we don’t learn overnight, that no one’s taught us in school, that we will need to practice. The simplest start is to simply acknowledge what’s going on, in a matter-of-fact manner. Such as, “(Situation) is happening, and I feel (emotion), and I think (thought).” You’ll be surprised at how taking ownership is empowering. The most important thing we need to know is that it isn’t excessive, and we apply our brakes. A thing I encourage my clients to do is to ground themselves, simply by shuffling their feet on the floor and getting back into their bodies rather than to be lost in their heads. Following this, take three deep breaths to reset the fear center in the brain. It can be any of the three categories: Just as you don’t learn to save money only when you’re in debt, you don’t practice breathing only when you’re feeling anxious or low. And so I always tell my clients, if you have time to go to the bathroom, you have time to practice breathing correctly. They laugh, and that’s how they commit to it. For me, it’s when I’m having a facial or a massage and have no phone to touch that I commit to practicing extra-long sessions of deep breathing. A simple tip is to schedule these activities into your calendar rather than to wait until crunch time. Keep it simple, and don’t overcomplicate things—it’s easy to be ambitious and want to do everything at once. Remember, baby steps create momentum, and lofty plans create overwhelm. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
