One of the reasons verbal abuse can be hard to identify is that it can look like a lot of different things. Behaviors like threatening or screaming at someone might seem like more obvious examples, but psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT, says it can also be discrete manipulation, gaslighting, or simply making someone feel less than. “Verbal abuse is all about power,” she explains. “So if it’s insulting somebody, if it’s making somebody feel less than, those are all examples of a mode of verbal abuse. It’s about manipulating the vernacular, in order to keep somebody submissive.” Verbal abuse is also often unprovoked, as opposed to happening only in the heat of the moment in an argument, adds clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy. This behavior trains a victim of verbal abuse to associate certain things with danger, ultimately changing their behavior, she explains. Additionally, she notes, there’s a difference between things like constructive criticism or a general disagreement, and verbal abuse. If someone is repeatedly cutting you down and making you feel inferior, you’re likely not dealing with a simple constructive critique. But as Yusim notes, it’s important to distinguish between those kinds of things. “If somebody is just honestly expressing how they’re feeling, and their feelings are not positive toward that person, is that verbal abuse? No, that probably isn’t,” she explains. (Here’s more on how to recognize when criticism is going too far.) If you’re still not sure whether you’re dealing with verbal abuse, here are 11 common warning signs to watch out for. Neo adds that we all want to improve ourselves, so feedback is welcome. But people-pleasers and echoists “lap up feedback like dehydrated camels […] so when this feedback is delivered by someone with ill intentions, it starts to make the receiver question themselves.” As Nuñez adds, “If you’re in a relationship where you’re doubting yourself and you’re starting to think, ‘Am I crazy?’ more than likely you’re in some type of emotionally abusive, verbally abusive relationship.” Not only will a verbal abuser gaslight you, but you can begin to gaslight yourself, she adds. So it’s important to get back in touch with your own inner voice. “I recommend journaling about it when it’s fresh, so you have records. Because memory is malleable, and you may talk yourself out of it,” Neo suggests. Ask yourself if you would let this happen to your best friend or child, she adds. When you’re clear on what you’re willing (and not willing) to tolerate, you can set clear boundaries with phrases like “I do not want to be around [behavior]” or “If you continue to do/say XYZ, I will [consequence],” Neo says. Yusim adds you can also explain ways they can adjust their communication to be nonviolent. (Here’s a list of go-to comebacks when someone is gaslighting you). From there, if the person doesn’t change, it’s likely time to cut the cord. If this feels scary or impossible, here’s our full guide to leaving an abusive relationship—and don’t be afraid to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY 1-800-787-3224) to get some advice. It’s free and totally confidential. In the aftermath of the relationship, Nuñez notes you’ll also want to work on self-worth and trusting your own intuition, to ensure this doesn’t happen again with another person. As such, one of the main things you can do is gently bring it to their attention and suggest they get a professional’s take. Sometimes it takes someone outside the situation to make a victim realize what’s happening, Nuñez adds. Beyond that, it can take time for someone to be ready to leave an abusive relationship, and it’s a decision they have to come to on their own. As a friend, be there for them, offer them resources, and remind them that they don’t deserve someone who makes them feel less than.
