While it’s possible, and even incredibly easy, to experience a “love at first sight” connection, true love looks and feels a little different from the warm feelings we usually associate with falling in love. Here’s what true love is all about, plus 10 signs you’re in it. However, with that in mind, clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., says, “What we do know is that there is a difference between lust, attraction, and attachment, which combine to what I define as love.” The attachment stage is key for long-term love, Wegner adds. Attachment is about feeling deeply connected to someone beyond physical lust and attraction. “It can be sexual and romantic or not (such as infant-bonding, close friendships, and loving family relationships),” she says. Licensed marriage and family therapist Linda Carroll M.S., LMFT, explains the idea of wholehearted love as the last of five stages of a relationship. A couple must go through deep interpersonal connection but also doubts, disillusionment, and ultimately a decision about whether to stick it out, all before experiencing true, wholehearted love. Notably, both experts say the idea of one soul mate seems to be a wash: “I think you can make a choice to spend your life with another person,” Carroll tells mbg, but “I think there’s more than one right person—I think there are many kinds of soul mates.” Both people are free to be their whole selves. Couples experience “true individuation and self-discovery” when they’re truly in love, explains Carroll. In this way, you don’t feel incomplete without them but rather that you’re two whole people who work well as a team. Physiologically speaking, the dopamine rush begins to drop off after about four years together. Dopamine plays a big role in the attraction stage2, before oxytocin and vasopressin come into play to allow for true attachment. “I think it takes one second to fall in love,” Carroll asserts. “I think to stay in love—trust that love is gonna last—takes years.” In that case, it’s important to remember falling in and out of love is not uncommon when we really get into time-spanning years. There’s really no script dictating when the right time is, Wegner adds. “All is fair in love and war,” she notes—but she does offer one word of warning: “If you find yourself frequently lusting after, attaching, or being attracted to everyone, and it is not reciprocated or feels different from what most others experience, it’s worth becoming curious why. Is it true love, or are you repeating an old relational habit?” “As we have all learned from Brené Brown, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is key to a wholehearted life,” Vora says. “Get in the ring and tell someone how you feel. If they don’t feel the same way, you want to know that sooner than later.” Take some time to really think things through. Once you’re sure it’s love (and usually, your gut will give you a pretty good idea), let your S.O. know—and enjoy it! After all, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?
