Cheating is a painful specter that, when experienced, can loom large over a person’s heart for many years. But what exactly is considered cheating? And what should you do if you find yourself in the unenviable situation of discovering that your partner has been unfaithful? Relationship therapist Jeanae M. Hopgood, LMFT, M.Ed., PMH-C, explains it as such: “Cheating is pretty subjective and can be anything from flirting with someone who isn’t your partner, to full-out sexual acts with another person. Cheating is really anything that violates the boundaries of your romantic relationship and results in a breach of trust between its members.” If you even need to think, “Would my spouse/partner be OK with this behavior?” then this is a pretty good indication that you might be nearing the cheating zone. In the end, the only people who can know if you cheated or not are you and your partner(s). Together as a unit, it’s you who set the rules and promise to live by them. Examples: To be clear, a true friendship is not an example of emotional cheating. You need and deserve emotional closeness with people outside of your romantic partnership. The problem is when you imbue said friendships with secrecy and frissons of sexual or romantic excitement. The problem is telling your partner that “Linda” is “just a work friend,” while you’re telling her all your hopes, dreams, and desires (that you don’t share with your partner). “An emotional cheater is someone who channels their emotional energy, time, and attention to someone outside of the relationship. As a result, they spend less time with their partners, leading to feelings of neglect,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. Examples: When people cheat using the internet, they might become secretive about their phones or laptops or develop new habits such as spending a lot of time glued to their phone. Examples: Examples: “Infidelity is one of the most cited reasons partners give for getting a divorce,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, CST, LCSW-R, of the Center for Love and Sex. “I think that people initially don’t even ask themselves what situations they feel might be tempting to them and feel confident enough to discuss this with a partner as well.” Try to be truly honest with yourself and your partner(s) when you set up the terms of your relationship. If you know that you’re a flirty person, be upfront about that; don’t try to squash it down. It will only bite you in the behind later. If your partner has insight into your behavior, they are more likely to be able to come to terms with it. Together you can think of a compromise that honors both of/all of you. “It’s important that each person only agrees to boundaries that they actually believe in,” Zrenchik adds. “If you feel like pornography is not cheating but your partner does (or vice versa), it’s important not to simply agree just to move the conversation along. Talk it out as long as it needs to be discussed until you both arrive at an agreeable consensus (like, perhaps, movies and clips are OK but camming with a live person is not).” One of the hardest things to deal with when discovering your partner’s betrayal is a lost sense of trust for all future partners. Whether you decide to stay or go, getting a trusted friend or therapist whom you can pour your heart out to or joining a support group is so important as you go through your own mourning process, Cooper says. And there are ways to work on rebuilding the relationship if you choose, Zrenchik notes. “If desired, work on reestablishing commitment, trust, and respect with the other person, finding small things to do together, and allowing for hurt and pain to be present,” Zrenchik suggests. It’’s really important to take things slowly. Mourning isn’t some curriculum that should take a certain amount of time. The feelings will come in waves. Try not to be harsh with yourself if you reach out to your partner for sex, for solace, or for comfort, while at other times you regard them as awful. Your body and mind are going through a lot, says Cooper, so have compassion for yourself. And as a last note, Cooper recommends that you get an STI test to check your sexual health status in case you have been exposed. Even if your partner says it’s not necessary, it can be good for your peace of mind. “There is a dramatic difference with how painful infidelity is when the hurt partner finds out from the cheating partner compared to when they find out by discovering it themselves,” advises Zrenchik. “People discover infidelity in very unexpected ways. If you have cheated, it is typically best to come clean and address the issue.” Facing up to the cheating can be a chance to dramatically improve your relationship together, but this will only happen if you are open, honest, sincere, brave, and accountable, he says. You will need to be extra sensitive to your partner’s needs at this time. You should also look into getting individual therapy to figure out why you felt compelled to betray your partner’s trust and how it can be avoided in the future. (Here are some reasons people cheat that aren’t what you might think.) After couples’ therapy, couples will have a deeper understanding of what happened, have compassion for each other, and find effective ways to solve problems and move forward. If cheating has been a pattern, then the cycle needs to be broken. Either way, you must begin to invest in healthy and honest communication and reconnect with why you wanted to be together in the beginning.
